C is changing so fast and I feel like I am already starting to forget what he was like when we first took him out of the orphanage, so I've decided to start an "attachment journal". Not only will it help me to really see how he has changed (and to really celebrate the work God is doing in his heart , as well in our hearts), but maybe it can even serve to help others. Even though we are by no means experts, sometimes it just helps to know you are not alone...
WEEK #1The day we picked C up from the orphanage, we noticed several behaviors we had read about during the 2 years we had spent preparing to bring C into our family.
PlayingWe noticed right away that C always played in a corner or behind a piece of furniture. He would play with us for a few minutes, but would then retreat to a "safe" zone. We countered this by gently encouraging him to come back into the open to play (even encouragement in Russian didn't usually work, so we then would have to carry him back to the play area). We then would stop whatever we were doing to engage him in play out in the open, so he could see that no one would take anything from him We had to do this repeatedly the first few days, until he eventually realized that he didn't have to hide to play with his toys- of course this was obvious to us, but it was so ingrained in him to feel threatened, he did this even though no one ever took his toys when he was with us.
Playing nowC never hides to play now. In fact, he usually prefers to play near / with me or one of his siblings. I have not seen him hide to play since the first week we were home. We have a toy here (we did not have it with us in Russia) that is the exact same as one C played with during our visits to C in the orphanage. The first time he played with it here is the only time I have seen this behavior since we came home.
Eating- Just a few hours after we picked C up and brought him back to the hotel, it was time for dinner. We had already seen his eating style in the orphanage, so we were prepared for this one. Basically, C ate all of his food within seconds without ever even breathing or chewing (slight exaggeration there, just to make my point) and he would eat a staggering amount. On top of that, it was pretty clear that he would have eaten even more had he been given the opportunity.
Oh, and... early on, if he had the chance, he would take his food and go to a far corner (he would even face the wall) to eat.
We had read that a great way to teach a child to enjoy eating and to stop when he is full is to feed him (not allow him to feed himself). To enhance bonding, the child ,must make eye contact with the parent before the next bite is placed in his mouth. This sounds contrary to the general advice for feeding time with a toddler, but we had to realize that eating has always been a desperate and rushed occasion for our son. He had never been taught that eating should be a relaxed and pleasant time- and also a time to share with those who are close to you. So we fed him, just as one would feed a spoon-fed baby.
The results?
Eating nowThe results of this method were extremely successful very quickly (in our case). By the end of the first week, C's eating speed had slowed and the amount had been reduced to what would be considered a normal amount. It is common now for him to leave food on his plate and tell us he is full. Obviously, a big part of the success was simply C realizing that there was more than enough food at every meal, and that he didn't enjoy feeling so bloated all of the time! The big success, as far as bonding goes, is that this method allowed C to interact with us while he ate. He began to talk to us during meals and after the first week, he would even initiate eye-contact with us. It took several more weeks for him to consistently remember to chew his food. We would always require him to show us that he had chewed and swallowed all of his food before he could have another bite. Sometimes he still has to be reminded!
The only issue we still struggle with is drinking. C would drink an entire river every day if we let him! We have to limit his drinking to the amount his diapers (mixed in with a little peeing on the potty throughout the day) can handle. Clearly he is drinking PLENTY, but he still begs for a drink just about all day every day. It's obvious he is not really thirsty, because he will drop it right away if I just tell him no and distract him. He doesn't ask again until he sees someone drinking something. The sight of the refrigerator open will also cause him to start begging again.
Sleeping- Week one taught us that C did not like to be touched at bedtime (in fact, he flat-out refused any touch and would push whatever was touching him away- even if he seemed to be asleep). Clearly, his reasons for this were obvious, yet this was the hardest behavior to deal with. How do you soothe a toddler who cannot settle down at night and who is terrified, no less, if you cannot touch him?????? Very tough one...
The first night required holding time (holding C lovingly, but firmly) until he fell asleep because he kept trying to leave the hotel room (all the while saying "edom, edom", which means "go, go" in Russian). The remainder of the nights the first week, C would allow me to read him a 1-2 minute story (while he wiggled relentlessly on my lap). I could then hold him briefly (usually while he screamed bloody murder) in a darkened room before he would start to beg for his bed. He didn't even know to wrap his arms and legs around me when I was holding him, so I would have to position his limbs for him- he HATED this. He also arched his back violently. Eventually (sooner, rather than later- before he made me drop him), I would put him in his empty crib, and I would have to tell him sternly in Russian that it was time for bed and that he must lie down. He could not have any sheets, blankets, etc. because he would wrap these around his head or he would make a hill out of them (he would even pull the fitted sheet off of the mattress) and then lie on his back on top of the hill. After just a minute or so, C would stand up and I would have to repeat the same phrases in Russian again whilst I gently, but firmly, placed him in the proper sleeping position again. This sequence of events would repeat until C fell asleep. In desperation, I would always end up trying to use various forms of touch to soothe him, but his reaction to this was always the same- extreme agitation.
Sleeping nowWe have come a long way! C loves to read books at bedtime now, and will sit happily for 5-10 minutes. Sometimes he even cries because he wants to read another one (and sometimes I happily comply). When the lights go out, C is usually happy to help me situate his blankie just right, so I can rock him. A few weeks ago, he decided he wanted to use his pacifier (he never wanted anything to do with one before a few weeks ago), so he pops that in his mouth and relaxes. I know binkies can be a terrible habit, but we are allowing him to indulge- he deserves it! Sometimes C falls asleep in my arms and sometimes he wants to get in his crib after I tell a story and sing a few songs. He rarely kicks and screams now. When he does, we do holding time until he can calm down. Another improvement is that he can usually handle a pillow and blanket now and he has never pulled the sheet off of his crib here at home. Before I put him in his crib, he always wraps his little arms and legs around me and squeezes tight. It's awesome!
That's it for now. More to come later...
