A new love in our hearts

We are back from our trip and Christmas is now over, so I finally have a little time to post about our trip. It was AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our son is the most precious 20 month-old boy I have ever seen (besides his big brother, who is and was equally as precious)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
D and I fell head-over-heels in love right away. The first moment I laid eyes on our baby, everything else faded away...God really answered our prayers!
I had asked Him to give us a certainty and an unquestionable love/bond right away. God is faithful!!!! We knew in an instant that this is our son (C- his American name starts with this letter). I would never have guessed the feeling could be so strong...it was incredible.
The first few moments, C was very timid and unsure, but he warmed right up during a game of catch with Papa! He also loved all of the books we gave him, and just could not stop running his hands over the soft kitty's fur in one of the books (that was his brother A's favorite part of that book, too).
After about half an hour or so, he heard a car outside the window and said "vroom!"! That was the first time we heard him speak...I will never forget that sweet moment as long as I live (they had told us he is speech delayed / not talking).
After spending quite a bit of time looking out the window at the machinas (cars), it was time for the boys to eat (another couple from our agency met their son on this day too). It was precious watching the boys eat and bond with their new Mamas and Papas! C scarfed every bit of his food and milk in no time flat- it was a huge amount of food! I had to take the bread away from him and control the amount going in to his mouth at any given time, in order to avoid a choking incident (he gagged a few times early on). The other little boy sweetly allowed his Papa to feed him.
Later on, we played a game of peek-a-boo in the mirror. D would jump in front of the mirror holding C and I would say, "Who is in the mirror? It's C and Papa!". After several times of this, C looked intently into the mirror and said very softly, "Papa", with a big smile on his face. Oh my, my heart melted right there (O.K., I was a bit jealous too, but only b/c our son A called me daddy for years- he still does sometimes. Where is the love for mommy?)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to go on and detail the entire time we spent w/C, but let's just suffice it to say, every second of the two visits flew right by and we had so much fun!
It was absolutely terrible to say goodbye on the second day. I tried to be cheerful so C wouldn't cry (and so I wouldn't cry). He walked away w/one of his caregivers holding one hand, and the machina we had given him in the other hand. D and I fought to hold back tears.
Since then, I have cried quite a bit on and off. The videos help- I have watched them over and over. I just try to focus on the blessing God had given us and C. We will remain faithful that God is about to do a most amazing miracle and bring us together officially as a family!
Oh, that moment will be so sweet!

Referral! Praise God

IT HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We got a call from our agency Friday, November 30th, 2007 at 3:54 PM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little boy.....SO beautiful!
The call went like this...

D: Hello?
FC: Hey D, how are you? Is L there? Can she get on the phone too?

D and I are both making freak-out faces at one another now!

D: Uhhh...sure!

I go to the kitchen while wildly motioning to my husband to follow me. I can hardly breathe. I turn on the speakerphone and tell him to hang up.
We cannot get on two seperate phones b/c I left our other one out in the rain several months ago and it does not work.
For a moment I think we could call her back on our cell phones, but NO WAY am I letting her go without the news right then!

FC: I have your referral! A little boy!
D and L: Seriously?!?!?! Oh, that is so awesome!

At this point, I don't remember the exact order of the rest. I do know I started to cry and I could see tears welling up in D's eyes. It was a an amazing and very BIG moment. Until...
Our son, A, yells, "Mom, can I flush our toilet? My sister peed!"
Remember, our FC can hear this, as we are on speakerphone : )
The main waterline in our town had been cut earlier that day and we had just explained to the kids right before THE CALL that we had no water.

Our FC was laughing, so we had to, in turn, explain the water issue to her. She laughs again and then tells us the rest of what we needed to know about our baby. I am so stunned by her initial news that I miss much of what she is telling us.

Next, she asked us to go to the computer, so we could see his pictures.

FC: Can you get to a computer?
D: Sure!

We run to my son's room and attempt to check our E-mail for the pictures. We cannot breathe! The anticipation is killing us!
We are not successful...just red X's where the pictures should be.
We ask our FC to send them to another of our E-mail addresses. Again, not successful.
Uugghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Could this have anything to do with the fact that we were trying to read some big files on a 7 year-old computer that has essentially no ability to do anything of value?
As a matter of fact, it could!
After 10 excrutiating minutes of STILL not seeing my son's picture, we realize we may not be able to.
We have to explain that our real computer is at the "computer doctor" b/c our son put a magnet on the mousepad last week and scrambled the hard drive (ironic, b/c we bought that computer just so we could do all things related to this adoption!).
Our FC laughs again...

We try my husband's E-mail address at work. Finally, we see our son's precious smile!
They say the third time is a charm, right?

Praise GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is our little boy in Siberia?

We got some regional paperwork from our agency this week...this means we are not officially registered into a region., yet we have been officially asked to begin paperwork for a specific region. The winner is..............................................Siberia!

I cannot help it ... I am excited(crazy, I know...who in their right mind would want to go to Siberia in the wintertime)! I know I shouldn't be, because everything in the world of adoption can change and go south at only a moment's notice, but this is a half step closer to finding our son. If we were officially registered, that would be a full step. I'll take the half step!

We might have a Siberian baby! That is so exciting to me! Praise God for giving me a glimmer of hope!

Thankful for today

If you want to hear the audio on this video, be sure to scroll to the bottom of the page and turn the music off.
I was feeling kind of depressed about the whole adoption situation... We are still not registered in a region and the holidays are quickly approaching. This means we will most likely not have a referral until next year. Meanwhile, our son is there in an orphanage in Russia...still without a family. I prayed for some kind of solace and peace... Then I came across this video.

I don't know why, but it gave me some perspective and relieved most of my sadness. How could it not? This video did a great job of reminding me to love and live in EVERY moment. I have to let God take care of the rest. This video was taken at the beach last year. What you cannot see is there are carnival rides all around us. In fact, there was a carousel right behind us. We had just gotten into the ride area, so my kids had not yet ridden anything. As soon as they saw these mirrors, they ran straight for them, and spent a good 20 minutes checking themselves and one another out. Their laughter was infectious. I find myself smiling just thinking about what fun they had and what fun it was to watch them having fun!

This video was shot over a year ago. My children are now one year older. My son in Russia is now one year older too. Although I can pray about my son and plead with God to hurry up and bring him home, I CANNOT allow myself to slip into a state of sorrow over it (even though I want to). This is the path God has chosen for him and for me. If I focus on haw sad I am that he is not here, I will miss all that is before me now. I pray for him every second of the day and I cannot wait to bring him home. Until then, I will have to give him to God to parent.

How do other adoptive parents do this without going crazy? I guess we really have no choice, but it is still so hard to live everyday like nothing earth-shattering is happening in my heart. Most people don't even understand adoption or what this feels like. A lot of people don't even believe an adopted child is equal to a biological one. We've heard some amazingly harsh comments over the past year. I always have to ask people, "How would you feel if your child was far away with very little to eat and no love to speak of and you had no promise of being able to help him and bring him home anytime soon?" That question usually makes people think, but it amazes me that they did not think of it themselves to start with!

This is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I will continue to struggle with it until this long wait is over.

Please hurry, God!

Time to re-do all of the paperwork

Well, it's been almost an entire year since we completed our paperwork, so that means it is all expiring and we have to re-do it : (
I am a little stressed about this, since this requires a computer and Word to complete. Our old laptop (which stored all of our adoption paperwork and information) crashed a few months ago. Yes, we did save most of it on an external drive, but that doesn't help if you don't have a new computer to plug it into, now does it? We were hoping to save some money and get our old computer fixed, but that didn't work out, so yesterday we bought a new one- ouch! We've been told we'll want this for our trips to Russia, so we decided to give in and spend the money. We still don't have Word, though, so tomorrow we'll have to tackle that issue! We need to get our dossier re-done so we have a chance of being submitted to a region in Russia.
On a happier note, I got "Russian for Dummies" so I can learn some Russian. I love it and the kids do too! Now they get to listen to Russian in the car everytime we're in there! It is so cute to listen to them try to repeat the Russian phrases! Listening to me try to repeat... not so cute.
I am sure I will sound like a complete idiot in Russia! I'm really only trying for a two or three-year old level anyway!

How are we going to pay for this?

We have often wondered, and still wonder, "how are we going to pay for all this?" Make no bones about it, international adoption is VERY expensive. Especially adoption from Russia (I have often tried to talk God into letting us switch to another country, but He won't budge!). We don't earn a huge income and we have 3 kids (another expensive undertaking), yet we know that God has a plan. Our job is simply to stay on our knees in prayer and keep our ears and hearts open to the Holy Spirit's direction...and TRUST Him! This sounds pretty simple, but we are still learning to do this. Please understand, we are BAD at this. There have been many times when I have questioned God and when I have wanted to turn my back on this call to adopt. One thing I do know is God has been faithful! I just want to share one thing He has led us to so far...

Let me introduce you to our "flip house"

We purchased this house back in March to rehab it. We had prayed for months regarding the financing of our adoption and for months, we felt we had no concrete answer. The only thing I kept getting back after prayer was a feeling that We are supposed to pay for the adoption ourselves (I had always assumed some of the expenses would be paid through adoption grants and loans). I have to admit, I laughed at the idea that we could pay for all of the expenses on our own (I'm sorry, God!). It seemed rediculous!

One day (after I had laughed at this idea for quite some time), my husband came to me and told me he felt strongly we were to buy a house to rehab. I laughed (and cried) at this even harder! I saw lots of issues with this: 1) Where would we get the money? I have serious money control issues and am NOT a risk-taker, 2) Where would we find the time? (My husband was still in grad. school and working full time. I work part-time and we have three children under 6 years of age and summer was approaching- my husband is the one who watches the kids while I work, so what would he do with the kids?), 3) What if we get a referral during the rehab and need to travel to Russia (O.K., that didn't happen!) and 4) My husband had re-done our old house (and did a fabulous job), but that was over a 5 year period...was he really ready for such a challenge?

We prayed over the decision for a week or so and God really gave me peace about it. He put me in my place and impressed upon me that I must allow my husband to be the spiritual leader and provider (I struggle with this too- I am a control freak). I submitted... God provided the way... We bought the house.

It has been several months since then. The house required a complete gut. My husband has had to go to the emergency room twice (God took care of him, though!). The kids have been there so much they cringe when the hear the words "flip house". It has been a LOT of blood, sweat and tears... But through it all, we knew what the purpose was and is. And truthfully, it has brought us closer together. We have bonded over this house. This Sunday is the open house. We have already had a few offers. We should make about one quarter or more of the total cost of the adoption (we have already paid/saved one fifth or so). I honestly don't know how we will pay for the rest of the costs, but I just have to force myself to remember that God WILL provide! It will be sort of weird to not go there to work next week! O.K., God, time to send someone to buy the house!

"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:31-34

Here it is...ready for someone to buy it!

Almost two months and nothing...

Well, it's been almost two months since I last posted...I felt sure we would be registered in a region by now but we're not. I have to be perfectly honest and say that I am disappointed. Sometimes I wonder if we will EVER bring our son home. I'm sorry, Lord for thinking that! I know that we WILL! The great news is that Lots of families within our agency are getting referrals and travel dates. Obviously, these are families who have been waiting since before Russia shut down in the spring of 1996, so I am thrilled for them! Even the most notoriously difficult region will be scheduling at least one court date soon, so this is amazing news! The only somewhat scary news today is the Putin has dissolved his cabinet, which may slow the adoption process in Russia yet again in the coming months.

Dear Lord, thank You for the referrals, travel, dates and court dates in Russia. Please continue to encourage the waiting families with movement in Russia- including us, Lord! We praise You that children who have been apart from their forever mommies and daddies will soon be coming home! Please watch over them during this remaining time of waiting and instill peace in the hearts of the parents. Help them to know that Your timing is perfect and that Your will will be done, no matter what stands in the way! Also, please prepare the hearts and minds of the children and the parents for the transition/adjustment process of coming home, as many of these children are not babies anymore and will be much more acutely aware of what is happening to them. In your precious name, Amen

Wow! How scary it must be for a little one to be whisked away by two strangers to an unknown house, in an unknown town. in an unknown country where people don't even speak the language you're used to! I can't even imagine! It's hard for our kids, who have the safety and security of mom and dad, to even change one little thing in their lives. I can't dwell on this issue too much because it makes me cry to think that my son and all of those other kids have to go through that! Yes, they will benefit in the end by having a forever family, but that doesn't erase the trauma. They don't even understand what a family is... I just have to trust in God that He will help all of us through that process and that He will heal our son's emotional wounds along the way. I know He won't be likely to ERASE the scars, though (even though He could). Those scars are what will make our son the man God means for him to be. Still, as a mommy, you want to control the situation and make all of the hurt go away. I need to work hard (even now) to step aside and remember that all children are His- my children are not MINE. I do not have the right or the ability to take care of the situation. And so, I must surrender to Him...

I surrender, Lord!

Love,
Me

Today is a BIG day!

Today is a BIG day! After 18 months, our agency is finally accredited in Russia again! It's been a full year since we began the adoption process, and we will FINALLY be registered in a region in Russia!!!!!! We submitted our dossier to our agency 5 1/2 months ago and basically nothing has been done with it since then because our agency lost their accredidation last year. Now we will finally know where our son is! It is hard to be asked that question over and over again without being able to give an answer. I can't wait...

Here is a picture of our dossier (turned in in Februery 2007)

The picture does not do it justice, but it's the best I could do