A Struggle With Forgiveness

Tonight I struggle with something I have struggled with for weeks and I know this will not be the end of my struggle... I am praying for the ability to forgive.

A little background.

Today was a wonderful day. C had such a great day- he was happy, learned several new words, had tons of fun, and didn't throw a single fit (this is a VERY big deal). I was so thrilled. He even let me hold him a ton today and he really relaxed. There were several times when he even spent quite a bit of time gazing into my eyes and saying "Mama, Mama". He says this very softly, with his big blue eyes gazing up at me, and repeats it over and over again, as if he is trying to grasp the reality and the wonder of what it is to finally and truly have a Mama for REAL. While he is doing this, I am trying to keep from crying. The love that wells up inside of me for this little boy- MY SON- is amazing. I have felt this same feeling with my other three children. It is a fierce love, a protective love, a completely unconditional love. These moments give me a glimpse right into God's heart... how He loves US. And yet, He loves us even more than that. It is hard to even imagine.

On to the issue of bedtime.

I have mentioned before that C struggles with bedtime. It is incredibly difficult for him to relax. He struggles with any form of human touch. It is clear he is used to crying himself to sleep. Some formerly institutionalized kids rock, others hit their heads on the crib rails... our child screams. The very first night he spent with us, he screamed his little heart out as I held him tightly (I had to hold him- if I hadn't, he would have walked right out of that holtel, never to return. He had already successfully left twice. Yes, the door was locked and no, there was no chain).

And that is when my struggle with forgiveness began. It angered to me to my core that my son should have to be forced to be rocked to sleep by his Mama. And that the two years devoid of love caused him to detest it so. That is just so fundamentally wrong! The 2 years of learning about bonding and attachment did nothing to prepare me for the raw emotions I felt that night.

Since that first night, I have only revisited those feelings of unforgiveness in fleeting moments. God has protected me from them. But now it is time to go deeper and truly forgive.

Most nights recently have been pretty good, so I think I had convinced myself that I had been able to at least mostly forgive my son's past for causing him this present pain and difficulty. And for the future pain his past will cause him. As much as I desperately yearn to, I cannot erase the abandonment he has experienced. I know full well that only our Father in Heaven can do that.

On to tonight.

Tonight was awful. It took over an hour to rock my son to sleep. And during all that time, my other (precious and very patient) three waited for their Mommy to come and put them to bed. C screamed more than he ever has and wanted nothing to do with being held. As he screamed, the seething anger welled up inside of me. I was not angry at him, no... I was angry FOR him.

So now I am on bended knee, knowing that I must forgive completely. I know I cannot do this on my own. I cannot be angry, or this anger will be passed on to my son. I cannot be unforgiving, because not only will that cause bitterness in my heart, but over the years, it will cause bitterness in my son's heart as well.

Lord, I give this anger and bitterness to you.
I lay it all down at your feet.
Please help me to forgive fully and completely.
In your precious name,
Amen