Today was a new day... and I thank God for that. The past 2 years have been quite a rollercoaster and the past 2 months have had the highest highs and the lowest lows of the entire ride. Not that I ever would have wanted to have it any other way. My son is home and he is a gift.
God never said this would be easy, though. The truth is, there have been some very difficult times for me. I have had many moments of complete despair, when the enemy takes hold of my mind and my heart and tells me I am not good enough... that my son will never learn to trust in my love for him... that God is done helping us. In these moments, all of my old fears surface, and I allow myself to carry the the weight of my son's hurts and needs on my own shoulders. And when I do that, my fears come true. I cannot do this alone. I will not succeed. Without God's help I CANNOT.
Last night was one of those times. C was HORRIBLE at bedtime... again. I felt so helpless. I prayed for God to find me in the darkness. I begged Him to give me patience and to help me find a way to get through to C. I felt no patience and I heard no answers....
But this morning, I woke up and felt brand new! He did not forsake me! Last night I truly believed I should give up and not push my son for a deeper attachment. Clearly, God has a different idea. He is NOT done helping us. Today He gave me confidence. I never heard God tell me it would be alright, but I FELT it. And tonight, He gave me even more.
I hit my elbow on the wall as I was rocking C tonight. All of a sudden, he whipped his binky out of his mouth and popped it into mine (it was so sweet, it was easy to ignore the slobber!). Then, he held my face in his hands and said, "Mama, cry? Mima, no cry. " He was saying I could have his binky to feel better, because he was O.K.! Then he wrapped his arms around me tightly and said "lub oo, Mama" After that, he snuggled in my arms and looked at me so intently. I told him in Russian that I am his Mama forever and that I will always love him. I know he doesn't really know what forever means, but I can tell you that I have never seen such a look of contentment on his face. I nearly burst into tears of joy right then! I think C is finally starting to really know what a Mother's love should feel like... warm and safe. He is finally letting himself truly enjoy the feeling.
What a blessing today turned out to be.
"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning"
Lamentations 3:22-23a
"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26
4 comments:
Awe... thanks for sharing! We, too, adopted our little girl from Russia and we are in the process of adopting another.
Your little guy is precious. Congratulations!
Hey girl, Romans 4 is for you today. Read the whole chapter if you have time. Here is a verse for today: Romans 4:4-5 from The Message (my favorite translation)--"If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it--you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked--well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift." Re-read my letter to you from last year. It is trust that God keeps putting on my heart to say to you. Keep it up. He'll finish what He started!
that touched my heart...I hope Jason and I can meet him sometime.
I love this post...amen.
Post a Comment