A Step Forward

I haven't blogged for a few weeks... I just haven't had a whole lot to say. The chaos of the past few weeks seems to have taken its toll on C. A's birthday was the final straw for C. The change in his routine and the lack of individual attention from Mommy has caused him to seek attention in some very negative ways, despite our best efforts to give him as much love and positive praise as we can possibly muster. He has been VERY difficult and has reverted back to the tantrums of old... ie: screaming uncontrollably, refusing to look at us and fighting HARD when we try to hold him and calm him down. The only new thing he has added to his fit-throwing repetoire is he screams "NO!" everytime one of us tries to say anything to him. *SIGH*

Of course, the return of these fits was not met with happiness by any of us. In fact, I took the return of the fits quite hard at first. C truly has been behaving just like he did 7 months ago, so it felt as though we were starting right back at square 1 again, and I certainly did not EVER want to go back there. We've even had to go back to holding time again. Ughhhhh! I hate holding time.

Now that it has been a few weeks since the fits first returned, I've finally been able to move past my initial reaction of fear and panic and react constructively during C's fits. I have spent a lot of time in prayer, asking God to help me stay calm and to find a way to get into C's heart past all of the fear and anger he is feeling.

As I mentioned previously, C generally refuses to look at us when he is having a tantrum. He shuts down and emotionally withdraws. He also fights being held. This has always disturbed me, as I have vivid memories of my older 3 children looking at me in a pleading fashion as they threw their tantrums, almost as if they were silently pleading with me to help them to calm down. C has never done this. He always withdraws completely whenever he is angry / frustrated. He does not allow himself to connect with me or to be comforted by me. Because C has now conquered allowing himself to be helped and loved when he is NOT feeling angry (like when he is sleepy, hungry or hurt), I decided it is now time for me to teach him to allow me to help him when he is feeling angry. We started about 2 weeks ago during one of our holding time sessions, while I rocked him in the rocking chair. I noticed C had his eyes partially open (usually he has them tightly shut), so instead of just talking to C gently and telling him how much I love him while he was screaming, I held his face close to mine, lined my eyes up with his and followed his head as he thrashed to get away from me. I kept telling him he can look at me and that it would not hurt him. This exercise terrified him and he began to sweat profusely, but I continued to tell him "it's O.K. to look at your mommy when you are angry... I am here to help you... I love you". C's English is good enough now that I could tell he understood every word I was saying. I asked his if it scared him to look at me and he screamed "yes". I told him not to be afraid... that he could do it. Finally, he calmed down and just gazed into my eyes. His beautiful blue eyes were still brimming with tears. I told him again that he didn't need to be afraid of looking at me and that Jesus wants him to be able to look at me and feel my love for him. He said, "I know Mommy" and then wrapped his arms around me and squeezed tightly. My heart just filled with joy!

Thank you, Lord, for giving my son the courage to open his heart just a little bit more.