A New Light

Today, I spent some time organizing all of our random electronics stuff. As I was doing this, I realized we have never shown the girls the videos from our second trip to Russia last May/June. I also realized that D and I have never watched the video we took in Russia on our second trip. On top of that, we have never watched any of the video taken on our video camera since then. As soon as I mentioned that fact out loud to Ashley, she begged me to let her watch the videos, So, of course, we watched them.... Caleb included. I cannot believe we have never watched any of this footage before. Caleb has been home for more than a year, after all! The first year really was a blur. I'm so glad we got it all on video.

Just what have we been doing?!?!?!?!?

After watching the videos, I was amazed. We have been doing soooo much! God has really been here and moving! Wow! I truly had forgotten just what C was like back then. I can't tell you how many times our therapist has said, "whenever you're feeling discouraged, don't focus on the problems you are still having, focus on how far you have come". Sounds logical, but that is so hard to do! So many days over the past year, Caleb just hasn't seemed happy. Some days, he seemed to spend ALL of his energy just pushing me away. How exhausting for a little guy! I would often ask myself (and God), "How can I show him that I love him? How can I teach him what love even IS if he won't let me in?".

I have worried and prayed and I have worried and prayed some more. I know things would have been easier if I had not indulged in the worrying thing. The truth is, though, I am a human being, and parenting a post-institutionalized child is difficult, scary and confusing. I have parented 3 other children, but just about everything I know and everything I trusted flew out the window the day C came home. For the first 2 years of his life, C did not know love. He did not know trust. He did not know much comfort He did not know touch. Especially in his first few weeks of life, touch from a grown-up came only in the form of a stick of a needle or some other uncomfortable or painful thing. Survival for him meant not allowing himself to rely on others... not allowing himself to create a bond with someone who surely would be gone soon enough. We have spent the past year chiseling away, ever so slowly, at that thick protective layer. There have been times the layer I had just chipped off has regrown, and I have had to chip through it yet again. So many times, I honestly thought we would never get anywhere... that we had not moved forward much at all.

Little did I know, we were always moving forward... I was just so deeply engrossed in the fine details that I could not see the whole picture.

Well, today I saw it, and it was amazing. I can now see Caleb's progress in a new light. The little boy in the videos is no longer. He has been replaced by a little boy who can love and trust. Who WANTS to love and trust most of the time. He no longer separates himself in a world of his very own. I know we still have a lot of work to (patiently!) do, but I also know the contrast between then and now is striking.

Even when it seemed as though C was not embracing the love we were so desperately trying to give, Jesus was there. Despite all of our inadequacies as parents, He continued to love us and gently guide us. He also continued to open C's heart. I know we often veered onto the wrong path, and that we will continue to do more of the same. Despite all of that, He will always gently nudge us back onto the path He would have for us to follow.

I am so glad we watched those videos today.

"God is our refuge and strength,
An ever-present help in trouble"
Psalms 46:1