Caleb has been home for over two and a half years now, but we are still seeing increasing signs of attachment. I remember the first time our therapist told me full attachment can take 3-4 years for a child who comes home at two or older. I almost got up and left her office right then! The thought terrified me and angered me all at the same time. Caleb had only been home for a year at that time. It seemed impossible to me that a child who had only been on this earth for 24 months (25 in Caleb's case). would take longer than 24 months to fully attach. Was she crazy? How hard could it be to love and to allow oneself to be loved???? Little did I know it then, but she couldn't have been more right. And so began my journey to reality, helped along by countless hours and sleepless nights spent learning all I possibly could on the subject of...
ATTACHMENT.
Clearly, there are many factors that influence attachment, such as: age at adoption, fetal health, previous experience with attachment to one or two loving adults, consistent care, disposition of the child, and exposure to previous and current traumatic events (the transition from orphanage living to living in a family counts as seriously traumatic for many kids). Some kids attach quickly and relatively easily. In Caleb's case, though, most of his history clearly indicated that he would struggle. It took me a long time to come to terms with this. It is so difficult to want to give you child love, peace and security, only to end up feeling as though you are failing him. I am the Mommy, and Mommies are supposed to make everything better for their babies.
One thing I can say about our attachment struggles is that I wouldn't trade them for the world. I have learned to let go of the fear and the overanalyzing. Now I just live in the positives of today (or perhaps yesterday or last week if today is not going so well). No longer do I take the peace and joy in my childrens' hearts for granted.
Hmmm... this is something the therapist wanted me to work on even at the 1 year home mark. Better late than never, right?
Anyway, I have learned to appreciate even the smallest of loving gestures. I cannot tell you how absolutely amazing it is when I hear my son's sweet voice singing, "I love my Mama, she is the bestest Mama ever", when I am in the other room and he doesn't know I am listening. When he isn't saying those things because he knows he
should say them, but he is saying those things because he really
feels that way in that moment. Truly, the room starts spinning and I am on cloud nine when my son stops what he is doing just to run up to me, cup my face in his hands, and tell me how glad he is that I am his Mama. My heart nearly stops as his big blue eyes search to lock with mine, as they silently echo the sentiment. Don't get me wrong, I have always adored hearing all of my children speak so lovingly and sweetly. I LOVE when I can nearly SEE their little hearts spilling over with love and contentment. It is so huge to KNOW that you are loved... to rest in that fact... to relish that fact. This has not always been the case with my Caleb, so when I see that joy and contentment in him, it takes all the strength I've got to keep from screaming out loud with joy. I don't want to scare the poor child, after all!
Some of the things that have been happening lately are really big, and I need to blog so I won't forget them.
Last week, Caleb came to me in the night and said he needed me because he was scared. He has never done this before. In the past, he has only called for me / cried in his sleep.
A few weeks ago, Caleb was not feeling well and actually slept
soundly and
contentedly between D and I for several hours. He even wrapped his little arm around me in his sleep. Obviously, I didn't sleep much... I was trying to relish every moment. As a mom to 3 older kids, I honestly never thought I would be lying in the dark in the middle of the night just giddy that my kid was in bed next to me and hanging on me!
In the past, C has always had trouble sleeping near anyone. He always likes to sleep alone, so this accomplishment is really, really huge.
When we went out of town for 2 nights a few weeks ago, C stayed with Grandma and Grandpa for the first time. On the second day, he cried and said he missed his Mommy and Daddy. Granted, he has never stayed without us for quite so long before, but C has stayed overnight at Grandma's and Grandpa's a few times before(in the past year- never before that b/c of needing to bond with us). In the past, he has never cried because he wanted to
go home... he has only cried because he didn't want to
be home.
During a hockey weekend away about a month or so ago, Caleb got teary and told me he missed his home. Once we did arrive back home, he told me he was soooooo happy we were home. He even ran to his room and dove in his bed to hug his pillow. Another new one for him! He's the kind of kid who can't wait to go somewhere and never wants the adventure to end.
Last thing... C has always been fairly aggressive with the dog. He figured out early on that he could control her, so he would often poke her, hit her, pull her tail, etc. when I was not looking. Honestly, it's crazy to me that he is that bold, given the fact that she outweighs him by about 40 pounds. Unfortunately (or fortunately), Sadie just takes all of the abuse and has never retaliated. We have been working with C quite a bit on this behavior. Whenever he is upset, he tends to feel the need to control, so he uses the dog as an outlet. We have been working on other outlets and I am so proud of C, because he is really doing well with this. Lately, he comes to me more often than not to let me know he is upset and needs a hug. There have been a few times I have even caught him using her as a comfort in a completely normal way. Yesterday, I walked in on him with her and saw him lying next to her and petting her gently. He told me he was sad and she was helping him to feel better. To be honest, I had rounded the corner steeling my heart for the gentle reprimand (and resulting fit) that would need to come as soon as I laid my eyes on him treating her poorly AGAIN. And yet, that is not at all what I found around the corner. That left me awestruck.
I look forward to what each new day will bring, as God is still doing miracles in Caleb's heart! How awesome it is, not only to have a front row seat, but to actually get to see, touch and feel the miracles God is creating :0)
If you are interested in reading more about attachment, check out
http://www.onethankfulmom.com/
