What Love Really Means

Everytime I hear this song, my thoughts turn to Caleb's birthmother.  I have been thinking so much about her lately.  I always think about her and pray for her, but lately we have been considering finding her, so my thoughts of her have become even more frequent.  We heard so much about her in court... most of it was very negative.  I will never forget all of the testimony and how it cut into my heart bit by bit.  It was physically painful to hear of her unbringing and life as a young adult.  The testimony culminated with the story of the birth of my son and the account of the only and last few weeks she was with him.  The story ended in silence and then I saw the judge, translators, Ministry of Education workers, etc. all looking down and shaking their heads.  Then the translation of the last utterance came...  the translator looked right at me and stated flatly in English, "She was not a good mother".  That statement and the judgement of it still resounds in my mind exactly three years later.
I used to be angry with Caleb's birthmother.  I used to scream at her in my heart while Caleb was screaming out all of his pain, anger, sorrow...  Finally I came to a place where I knew I had to forgive her.  I knew I could judge her no longer.... not unless I was willing to judge myself first.  I am so far from being faultless...  and I grew up with 2 loving parents and everything I could ever need.  What would I have become in her situation?
On that very day, God gave me the gift of loving Caleb's birthmother. Jesus has helped me to see her as HE sees her.   As wortthy.  With the potential to be washed as white as snow.

The same way He sees me.

The same way He sees you.

Now I pray daily that she will come to know what love really means... that she will be surrounded by and filled with Christ's love.  That she will open her heart and let Him in, so He can show her the love that she has never known in all of her 26 years here on earth.

I came across this poem today.  They are the perfect words for how I feel....

A Birthday
It’s my child's birthday today.
He just went dashing by me, his eyes sparkling with the excitement only meant for today.
Presents, kisses, hugs, cake, ice cream... it all seems so natural.
It’s a day for looking back and looking forward.
It's my child’s birthday today.
But there’s something very different happening inside of me.
This should be a day of complete joy, a day for thanksgiving.
But I’m stopped in the midst of all this excitement.
I’m stopped because my thoughts are with someone else for a time.
It’s my child’s birthday today.
I have no memories of his life growing inside of me and fighting to be released.
I have no memories from the beginning months of his life.
Another someone was there.
Another someone suffered for our joy.
It’s my child’s birthday today.
But someone somewhere is feeling emptiness inside.
I wonder if she is wondering... wondering who he looks like.
Wondering how big, how small.
Wondering if he laughs much.
Wondering if he will wonder someday, too.
It’s my child’s birthday today.
And in the midst of this blessed day that was given to me, I have a prayer.
Oh God, that I many never forget that someone suffered so much to give life to my child.
That someone loved my child so very much in that she gave him the gift of life.
May I never forget for a moment and especially now, today, to offer a prayer of thanks for that someone.
And that you, dear God, can always be there by that someone to help her through the hurts she will have
 When she stops to think that today is my child’s birthday.

A Gift Like None Other

I have not written much about my son's birthmother before, but I think about her just about everyday. My heart often aches for her. I often wonder what she is doing now. Is she missing him? I cannot even begin to imagine having to give up my child.

When we were in the region in Russia where our son was born, my mind was very focused on her. I was very aware that, at any given moment, she could be standing right next to us and we would never even know it. When we had C with us, I would wonder if she would know him if she saw him. I'm fairly certain she would have. There were- and still are- so many thoughts and questions I have about her... questions that will never be answered... questions C will likely have one day. I have wrestled with, and come to accept, the lack of knowing. This is, after all, how God has planned for it to be. Someday C will have to wrestle with and accept the same questions without answers. I pray for C daily. That he will be able to understand that his birth mother gave him an incredible gift- she gave him the gift of life. This is one thing we do know. It is a fact that cannot be disputed. Today, as I was holding C close, that truth became so real to me. I could feel his soft cheek, rubbing against mine, and I could hear his rhythmic breathing as he relaxed in my arms. I can't imagine C NOT being our son. I can't imagine him NOT being here. She could have chosen a different outcome. I don't think I fully realized the gravity of that fact until today.

Thank you, Lord, for opening my eyes to the truth.
Thank you, Lord, for the young woman on the other side of the world,
who gave birth to our son.
Please hold her close and open her heart to the warmth of your love.

Thank you, C's birthmother, for choosing life for our son.
It is a gift like none other...