What Love Really Means

Everytime I hear this song, my thoughts turn to Caleb's birthmother.  I have been thinking so much about her lately.  I always think about her and pray for her, but lately we have been considering finding her, so my thoughts of her have become even more frequent.  We heard so much about her in court... most of it was very negative.  I will never forget all of the testimony and how it cut into my heart bit by bit.  It was physically painful to hear of her unbringing and life as a young adult.  The testimony culminated with the story of the birth of my son and the account of the only and last few weeks she was with him.  The story ended in silence and then I saw the judge, translators, Ministry of Education workers, etc. all looking down and shaking their heads.  Then the translation of the last utterance came...  the translator looked right at me and stated flatly in English, "She was not a good mother".  That statement and the judgement of it still resounds in my mind exactly three years later.
I used to be angry with Caleb's birthmother.  I used to scream at her in my heart while Caleb was screaming out all of his pain, anger, sorrow...  Finally I came to a place where I knew I had to forgive her.  I knew I could judge her no longer.... not unless I was willing to judge myself first.  I am so far from being faultless...  and I grew up with 2 loving parents and everything I could ever need.  What would I have become in her situation?
On that very day, God gave me the gift of loving Caleb's birthmother. Jesus has helped me to see her as HE sees her.   As wortthy.  With the potential to be washed as white as snow.

The same way He sees me.

The same way He sees you.

Now I pray daily that she will come to know what love really means... that she will be surrounded by and filled with Christ's love.  That she will open her heart and let Him in, so He can show her the love that she has never known in all of her 26 years here on earth.

I came across this poem today.  They are the perfect words for how I feel....

A Birthday
It’s my child's birthday today.
He just went dashing by me, his eyes sparkling with the excitement only meant for today.
Presents, kisses, hugs, cake, ice cream... it all seems so natural.
It’s a day for looking back and looking forward.
It's my child’s birthday today.
But there’s something very different happening inside of me.
This should be a day of complete joy, a day for thanksgiving.
But I’m stopped in the midst of all this excitement.
I’m stopped because my thoughts are with someone else for a time.
It’s my child’s birthday today.
I have no memories of his life growing inside of me and fighting to be released.
I have no memories from the beginning months of his life.
Another someone was there.
Another someone suffered for our joy.
It’s my child’s birthday today.
But someone somewhere is feeling emptiness inside.
I wonder if she is wondering... wondering who he looks like.
Wondering how big, how small.
Wondering if he laughs much.
Wondering if he will wonder someday, too.
It’s my child’s birthday today.
And in the midst of this blessed day that was given to me, I have a prayer.
Oh God, that I many never forget that someone suffered so much to give life to my child.
That someone loved my child so very much in that she gave him the gift of life.
May I never forget for a moment and especially now, today, to offer a prayer of thanks for that someone.
And that you, dear God, can always be there by that someone to help her through the hurts she will have
 When she stops to think that today is my child’s birthday.

Girls Only Weekend :0)

The girls and I had a great time at my sister's bridal shower!  It was our first girls-only trip... the boys got to stay home and have a boys-only weekend.  By all accounts, sounds like they had a great time without us!  LOL :0)
Guess we'll have to do it again sometime!
Click here to view photos

Steven Curtis Chapman - When Love Takes You In

I still think this song is one of the most moving songs I have ever heard.  The first time I ever heard it, we were waiting for our referral from Russia.  I sat and wept as I thought about my baby boy so far away in Russia without his Mama to hold him.  I wanted so desperately to be there... I wanted to control everything... I was struggling to face the reality that my baby is really God's baby... and that He would unite Mama and son when it was time.  I had professed to love Jesus before that night, but that was the night I finally started to understand that I needed to fully surrender and allow God to do as HE willed.  Not that is was easy after that... it wasn't.  I had to make a choice every day to give it all to God and to allow His love to take ME in.  I held on to the words of this song not only as a promise to my fourth child so far away, but as a promise to me also... that I was right where God wanted me to be.

The Chapman family played a huge role in inspiring our family to move ahead in our adoption journey.  To learn more about them and the incredible things they are doing for adoption and orphan care, go to
www.stevencurtischapman.com/adopt  and...
http://www.showhope.org/


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future.
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 
I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity.
I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord,
"and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."  
                                                                                                                 Jeremiah 29:11-14