Long Time, No Post... Important Info

I haven't blogged in forever, I know.  Honestly, I took a break initially because our computer died...  then Christmas came... then travel hockey season was well underway (which means we were NEVER home) ... then I simply got into the habit of not blogging.

Recently, though, I have felt the pull once again.  I have heard too many horrible adoption stories lately that just break my heart.  Disrupted adoptions because parents have lost hope that their kids can be helped... kids hurting their siblings and parents because they are so hurt/broken/defiant/angy... parents saying they cannot find love for their child.  I have hope that there IS real HOPE for these kids and I need to share it.  Just yesterday, I heard another story of a family struggling.  I was asked to compile a list of resources I feel are/can be most helpful to a family dealing with attachment issues.  I know most adoptive families know about all of this already... but what if they don't?  What if they don't know there is hope?  I feel I must share this E-mail on this blog.

There are several resources I strongly encourage ALL adoptive families to read / look
into.  These resources have changed the ways in which we parent C and have given us a
depth of understanding we would have never had without them.  Lack of early care (and in
many cases abuse mixed in with that lack of care) impedes the development of trust,
self-worth and self-efficacy.  We are all hard-wired from birth to reach out and to seek
comfort / connections with caregivers.  This, in turn, allows strong bonds/attachments to
form.  If  connections do not form or are disrupted, brain development and chemistry is
adversely affected and normal development does not occur.  It floored me when I first
heard out loud that my son's brain is not normal and is severely underdeveloped...  hard
to hear.   Believe it or not, the critical period (8-12 months of age) for this
development happens so early, most orphans are still in orphanages while it is silently
passing them by.  

An orphanage is never even close to being a good environment for a child.  In fact, it is
most often the absolute WORST situation for a child to be in.  Unfortunately, most of our
society is completely unaware of the horrors these kids face.  C had 16 babies in his
group and 1 caregiver.  In most cases (C's included), the kids are drugged daily and
spend 16 hours a day in their cribs.  When they are sick, no one cares for them.   When
they are scared, no one comes for them.  They are often tied down in their beds once they
are mobile (we believe C was).  They are disciplined harshly if they have accidents in
their cribs... C remembers this happening to him  and relates the story with a look of absolute terror on his face (they do not wear diapers in the orphanage).   Clearly something bad happened to him that day.  Many other kids we know of even have physical scars to validate their stories of abuse.  I have seen my own child misbehave for us (as any 25 month-old toddler will do) and then freeze and become spiritless the moment he is reprimanded by a caregiver whispering in Russian in his ear.  These kids are given very little to eat and are given just a few minutes to eat it before it is taken away.  This is so they don't play at mealtime and so there are no messes.  At 25 months of age, C could finish a grown-up sized meal in 2-3 minutes flat AND drink out of a regular cup without dropping a single crumb or spilling a single drop.  Have you ever seen a toddler do that?  If he ever saw someone else drop any food, he would gasp and scramble to get it and shove it in his mouth in a flash.  It has taken 3 years for C to take his time at
meals and to stop crying constantly for food.  All of this to say, these kids are abused
in every sense of the word and every single child coming from an orphanage should be
considered special needs... they will most certainly all have long-term difficulties once
they are finally home with their forever families.  These kids are haunted by
overwhelming feelings of being unloved.  These feelings are particularly confusing and
difficult to work through for a child who has no real memories of the abuse.  And this
history does not even take into account things like Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, which is
present in a large number of Russian orphans, and which only further compounds the
problems stemming from this early abuse.


The resources that are critical to gaining an understanding of all I have just detailed
are the following...


1) The Connected Child (the book) / www .empowered to connect.org - Dr. Karyn Purvis (TCU) is absolutely incredible!  I know many parents who have made the journey to have their child evaluated by Dr. Purvis.


2)  Help for the Hopeless Child / www.drfederici.com - Dr. Ronald Federici (located in VA and father to 7 internationally adopted children)  Dr. Federici is THE therapist to
evaluate and write a treatment plan for these kids.
     
3)  Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control /  Dare to Love /www.beyondconsequences.com - Heather Forbes, LCSW (mother to 2 internationally adopted children)  often does training workshops with Dr. Federici.


4) Attaching in Adoption / Nurturing Adoption / www.deborahdgray.com - Deborah Gray, MSW, MPA  The 10 tips article (under 10 tips tab) is wonderful... even if your child has been home for years.  We still focus on these daily.


5) RAD support group on Facebook to connect with other parents who face the challenge of RAD daily.


6) www.fetalalcohol.blogspot.com


The other critical piece to promoting wellness and healthy attachment ( I very strongly
believe) is speaking words of truth and affirmation over your child daily, both through
prayer and through speaking directly to your child.  Even if a parent is not feeling like
saying these things, it is crucial that the parent pray to see the child as Jesus sees
him/her.  Through Jesus, it is possible to tell your child he IS precious... he IS
smart... he IS loved... he IS cherished... he IS perfect just the way he was created. 
Parents must remember, it is our job to break down the walls of pain and distrust and to
dig through all of that rubble to find that precious child God created.  When C is trying
to fight us and push our love away, we must recognize this and  fight all the harder for
him to let us in.  This requires constant prayer, a huge amount of time and patience, and
a steely determination that can only come from

BELIEVING

there is real hope.


Praying for hope and healing,
Lyn