A better mommy, a better daughter

This adoption process has challenged me in so many ways... I am so grateful for the lessons it has taught me.

Perseverance and faith in the face of the unknown have been two of the most important lessons impressed upon me throughout this journey. Obedience is another. I have struggled with this one the most.

I wish I could say I have always taken the next step without complaint immediately after God has directed me down a given path... but I haven't. In fact, I have protested and or complained quite a bit at times (not about the blessing of a child, but about so many other things- the cost of adoption, all of the never-ending paperwork, fear of traveling, fear of not being a good enough mother to a child who deserves a mommy who is perfectly versed in attachment and bonding, etc.). All of this is driven by fear.

It's funny, and not in a ha-ha sort of way, because I just put one of my 5 year-old daughters to bed early because she was extremely disobedient tonight (she is what is known as a "strong-willed child). I think of my frustration and disappointment with her. "Why doesn't she just do what I ask?", I think. Things would be so much easier for her, not to mention, for me! And then I think of how God must feel so much of the time with me. Not that that changes His love for me, not by any stretch of the imagination. I know full well how He loves me, or at least I can somewhat grasp the tip of the iceburg on His love...all I have to do is think about my love for my little girl... or my love for my son on the other side of the world.

Immediately, I am flooded with heart-bursting love and the frustration and anger are gone. Wiped away.

Then I rediscover what I already know, what I seem to forget for moments at a time just about everyday...

I don't have to be good enough! I don't need all of the answers! I don't have to be afraid! That's God's job. He is the parent, and I am not. He is the driver, and I am not. Why struggle?

There is a song by the Christian music group, Point of Grace, that says:
"There's a bridge to cross the great divide. There's a cross to bridge the great divide" That cross is there for me and for all. To get us to a place we could never have gotten to without it. To erase the gap between my humanity and God's perfect holiness. I just need to remember that that cross is there...it's always there.

Just as I work to refine MY daughter and help her to grow, I resolve to let God work on me and to make me a better daughter. Not that he doesn't love me already, it's just that I am a bit strong-willed myself.

"Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all.
the Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your minds and your hearts in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:4-7