I have to be completely honest. This wait is so incredibly hard. I never knew it would be so hard. I think of others who have waited so much longer and ask myself, "How did they endure this?" Of course, I know the answer. Clinging to Our Father in Heaven is the only way. And so I cling...As the days go by, our son is growing older on the other side of the world.
My oldest son constantly asks when his baby brother is coming home. He constantly prays for his baby brother to come home. It breaks my heart.
There have been countless times over the past few weeks when my world just stops turning and I begin to cry.
What makes this happen? It could be anything... Usually it's just that I suddenly picture C HERE instead of there. It often happens when I'm watching my kids play. I love to watch them have fun together. I often stand back during these times just to observe and take it all in...their giggles, their beautiful smiles...
Then I picture HIM giggling along with them and HIS beautiful smile, playing with his brother and sisters. Wow! They will adore him!
I let my mind wander and I imagine what it will be like to hear him say "Mama" for the first time. It fills me with joy and makes me cry all at the same time. There has been a lot of crying.
Yet, through all of the tears, there is a joyful expectation and a spirit of thanksgiving in my heart. It is so confusing to feel all of those emotions at once. I am sad because I miss my son, yet I am joyful because of the countless ways in which the Lord has blessed D and me. I am thankful because I know that God is refining D and me.
We are focused completely on Him. We are learning to be better listeners, to pray more often, and to rely more on God. This is a time during which the Lord is holding us us because we cannot stay afloat on our own. As painful as these times can sometimes be, how sweet times are as well!
What a blessing to know I can bury my face in Father God's chest and cry...what a blessing to know that He goes before us, that He is with us now, and that He will carry us into the future. A future that will include baby C in our family, laughing and playing with his brother and sisters...and calling me "Mama".
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,
Let us throw off everything that that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles,
And let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us.
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith,
Who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame,
And sat down at the throne at the right hand of God.
Consider him...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Hebrews 12:1-3
That scripture keeps me going.
The joy set before me keeps me going.
Jesus keeps me going!
Thank you for your amazing example, Jesus!
2 comments:
If there is one major thing that I have learned during this process, it's that God has so much more in mind for us during this adoption than bringing a new child to our families. As you stated, God has used this process to draw you and D closer to Himself than you ever have been in your lives, relying on Him and stretching your faith beyond what you ever thought possible. I actually cringe to think where I would be spiritually right now if it weren't for the past two years of this process. I'm reminded of C.S. Lewis in "The Last Battle", the final book of the Chronicles of Narnia. He describes heaven as a place, not where you arrive and stop, but as a place where once you get there, you want to keep going further and further in. And I believe that is the case with our personal relationship to God. He has brought you and D to a place of understanding and closeness to Him that you never have experienced before. But He doesn't want you to stop there. He is going to keep calling you further and further in. And while it might seem hard right now, I can only imagine the pure joy that awaits you further in. Keep following His call.
JP (Father to C's orphanage brother Misha)
Amen. I couldn't have said it better. Isn't it wonderful to know that God goes before us and prepares everything- we have only to walk in His grace so He can make all things new.
Peace and Blessings to you!
Debbie S
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