Breaking bad habits

We all have bad habits and behaviors we need to work on, so I am in no way picking on my youngest when I say he has some too... it's just that this blog is about adoption and the joys and challenges that come along with this amazing adventure, so C gets his very own post detailing his bad habits for the world to read. Poor guy! Most of you know C and know he is a sweet, happy, and engaging little guy. For those of you who don't know him personally, you'll just have to trust us!

Since the day we got to take C out of the orphanage, we have noticed he has some interesting habits. I have even mentioned some of them in the past. Most of these habits developed as a means of survival within the walls of the orphanage, and we actually find some of them sort of endearing (others, not so much). Let's face it, they make him who he is. Now that C is home, however, many of C's habits only serve to divide him from his family and friends... so they have to go.



Behavior #1: Defending personal space and possessions

The first month we were home, we worked on the most pressing behaviors that caused problems in our house. The first behavior we worked on was C's aggression toward his brother and sisters whenever he felt threatened. This popped up throughout the day and was most often brought on if the big kids got too close (trying to hug, kiss, help him with something, etc.) when C had a drink/food/toy/etc. in his hands. C would immediately hit/push/kick/bite whoever was unlucky enough to be in his space. Poor guy! Our three bug kids were so happy to finally have him home- they were ALL over him ALL day!

To remedy this behavior, we did several things. First, the big kids were warned about this behavior and were told when to expect it. We also told them to try to remember to tell C what they were wanting to do BEFORE doing it and to remember to firmly tell C there is no hitting/biting/pushing/kicking allowed.
On C's end,we quickly taught C empowering words like "don't touch", "let go", "my turn", etc. and coached him (and the sibling involved) on using these whenever we noticed one of these altercations in progress.

Even though we did all of this and C quickly learned all of the English needed, not only to understand what his siblings were saying to him, but to let them know how he was feeling, this didn't completely extinguish the behavior (it did reduce the frequency). When C is not feeling well or is tired, the behavior comes right back again. To help him with this, we have started holding him gently if we notice he is becoming agitated when a sibling is close. We tell him gently that it is O.K. and that the other child will not take anything from him. If he remains calm and allows the hug (or whatever it may be), we lavish the praise on him and say, "See? He/she just wants to love you!" He has even started saying, "See? Love you!" all on his own.

Something funny we have discovered: if our kids firmly command C in Russian to hug or kiss them while they are leaning in to hug or kiss him, he will smile and willingly comply, no matter what he has in his hands. Obviously we don't encourage commanding another family member to either give or receive love, as this is really a performance and does not come from the heart. Clearly, this is simply another orphanage behavior, and an interesting one at that. We have read that the kids in the orphanages are trained to hug and kiss on command, and this certainly appears to be true.


Behavior #2: Role of disciplinarian and comforter

This behavior was the most surprising to me, as it certainly sent the message loud and clear that C had never learned to accept a grown-up as the authority in a given situation. We know C was cared for by grown-ups, so we expected him to see the adult as the authority and comforter. We were dead wrong! Now we must conclude that most of the time, play was conducted as a free-for-all, and the kids in the orphanage dealt with their own disagreements most of the time.

Right from the beginning, C would rush to "punish" any sibling who hurt another. As soon as he saw a child crying, he would quickly search for the offender and rush toward that child to hit him/her, all the while yelling at said child and making an incredibly mean face. He would then (just as quickly) rush to the hurt child and put his arm around him/her and say "it's O.K., don't cry". Sometimes, he would even turn around again and scold the offender harshly, all-the-while keeping his arm around the hurt child. It was wild to watch- almost like Jekyll and Hyde.
This behavior was a real problem, not only because our kids rarely hurt one another on purpose (so he was "punishing" an innocent child- sometimes he even picked the wrong child to "punish"), but because we know full well that C could behave this way when playing with other children outside of our home.

To deal with this, C is quickly told to stay by Mommy or Daddy's side as soon as someone is heard wailing. He is told that Mommy and Daddy deal with these things and he will go to the corner if he gets involved. Poor guy, he has been sent to the corner a lot over this, as we can't always catch him to remind him before an incident occurs. He has improved dramatically over the past few weeks, and has even run to come get one of us if someone gets hurt by another. He is still encouraged to be a comforter, of course, but a secondary comforter. He still will rub a child's back or kiss him/her while letting Mommy or Daddy do the hugging and holding. Don't forget, I said some of the behaviors are endearing!


Behavior #3: Begging for food and/or taking food that belongs to others

To be quite honest, this behavior drives me nuts and our 3 older kids feel the same (esp. since they are usually the unwitting targets of this behavior)! Poor C must still believe he may not get enough to eat if he does not resort to his own tactics- even after 3 months of getting PLENTY to eat. Since C is one of the few orphans we have heard of who has LOST weight since coming home, we fear he was a food bully in the orphanage. He was actually quite chubby on Gotcha Day and has slimmed down considerably since then. Oh dear, to think: our child may have been responsible for the low weight of other children in his group. Well, at least he can't torment them anymore...

Even though C will now regularly leave food on his plate unfinished, he continues to beg for food and steal food from others. This still happens all day every day. Even if C has just finished a meal and has told me he is full, he will beg for food if he sees anything new. If the refrigerator is opened, he will rush to get there before it closes and beg/whine. Lucky for us, C cannot open the fridge on his own, but 5 other people in the house can! C has even been known to beg his pushover sisters into opening it for him, even though we have strictly forbidden them to do so.

Stealing food will most often occur if C finishes his snack and sees others still eating. He will also try to scavenge plates that are left on the dinner table. Two of my big kids, in particular, are very slow eaters. C will stalk them and wait for a chance to take their food. It's kind of funny to watch it all unfold... One of the slow eaters will be sitting on the couch watching TV with a snack in hand. C sees this and quietly climbs up onto the couch and sits next to the slow eater. Like a lion, he has decided who is weakest, and waits for just the right moment to pounce (ie: steal food). He used to just blatantly take it, but now he knows this could cause him a lot of trouble. The big kids used to happily welcome C to sit next to them on the couch, but now they ask us to come get him as soon as they notice him closing in.

We are still struggling with how to deal with this behavior, as punishing him for it does not seem fair or appropriate. Obviously, we consistently feed C, so this is step one in the battle. We also try to remind him that he already had his food and that he does not need any more (if this is indeed the case). If he does need more food, we remind him to come to Mommy or Daddy to ask for more. We are hoping time will help him to see that he will always have enough to eat.