Always

During our last visit with the attachment/behavioral therapist, she encouraged me to tell Caleb that I will ALWAYS be his Mommy and that I will ALWAYS love him every night during our rocking time. It's not that I don't tell him I love him- I probably tell him at least 25 times every day... and he loves it (in Russian and in English). It was the ALWAYS part she was wanting me to stress. To be completely honest, I have never said that to him in English before. I have said it to him in Russian many times in the past, but I never knew if he really understood what I was saying. Truthfully, I figured he didn't. ALWAYS is a really abstract concept for a 2 year-old, in my opinion, but I decided to give the therapist's suggestion a try...

The first time I ever attempted this was a few weeks ago. I pretty much expected Caleb's reaction to be something like "I love you too, Mama", which is what he always says (with an adorable sideways smile) when I tell him I love him. That's not at all what he said, though.
Instead of the anticipated reaction/response, Caleb quickly and angrily replied (complete with a scowl), "NO, Mama!", to my pledge of unending love for him. I was so taken aback, I repeated my pledge again. But I got the exact response I had gotten the first time.

Hmmm... Not the perfect love-filled moment I was going for.

Talk about a stab through the heart. Great suggestion, I thought. Maybe I should not do what the therapist tells me to do... EVER AGAIN.

Something prompted me to keep going, though. I had a creeping suspicion that C DID understand what I was saying to him (at least to some degree)and it scared him. He has a pattern of pushing me away whenever he feels I am getting too close. And whenever he pushes me away, I must lovingly push back until he lets me in. It was time to break down yet another wall. Clearly the therapist DID know what she was talking about.

Sure enough, I got the same angry reaction night after night. Caleb's language abilities are well above average and I tried every avenue I could think of to expand on the meaning of always. This only seemed to anger him more and he insisted he did NOT want me to say such things. He even cried a few times and squinted he eyes so he didn't have to look at me. Did I mention I very much dislike breaking down walls?

And then tonight happened. The wall came tumbling down. We started our rocking session the same way we always start it- blankie and binkie just right and a good book. Tonight, Caleb picked the book we sent to him in Russia while we were waiting to go back to bring him home. The book has pictures from our first visit with C in the orphanage, along with captions in Russian. We read the book together and talked about the first time we ever met and how happy we were. We also talked about how sad we were to have to leave him behind. And then we talked about how happy we were again to get to come back to bring him home. C's eyes just lit up when I explained the last part of the story to him. I told him I will ALWAYS be his Mommy and that I will ALWAYS love him. What came next blew me away...

He smiled a HUGE, slow smile and looked me right in the eyes and said, "I love you, Mama". Then he wrapped his little arms around my neck and squeezed with all his might. Talk about a heart bursting with joy! Oh my... I am willing to bet he understood exactly what I was saying.
Praise God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!