The last time I saw my son, he was being led by the hand out of the visiting playroom of the orphanage by one of his caregivers. It all happened so quickly. Bless his little heart, he did not know what was happening. I am so glad he did not, because he left his mommy and daddy behind, and we were fighting back tears. We left the orphanage speaking very little, trying so hard not to cry in front of the translator and the facilitators. I had to turn my back in the parking lot for a moment to get myself together before getting into the van to leave.
That was just the beginning of me trying to keep myself together...
We had not been prepared for how hard it would be to leave him. I guess this is mainly because we had not been prepared for how immediately those deep feelings of love would come. We had wondered beforehand, would we "know" right away, or would our maternal/paternal feelings take time to grow? How would we feel? What would meeting him be like? So many questions.
These questions were answered sooner than we had expected. While we were in the orphanage director's office (about 15 minutes before we were scheduled to meet our son), the door flew open and there was our son, standing just a few feet from us. Oh my... my heart... I cannot even find the words. D turned to me and said, "That's him! That's our son!" I could not breathe. We were both stunned with the absolute recognition...no, stunned is not even the word. The moment we saw his precious face, we knew what we had longed to know. Everything else faded away. This was our son! We had loved him and known him all along! Our hearts had been prepared for this moment. As soon as he was standing there in front of us, the floodgates to our guarded hearts broke open, and the love for him was allowed to flow freely. I had not realized beforehand how much we had subconciously suppressed our feelings. For two years, we had been pushing them away, afraid we were crazy, I guess. Afraid that maybe we were just imagining we had a son out there. Afraid that this day would never really come. And yet, there he was, right in front of us! All I can say is that day will go down in the books as one of the best days of our lives. Such an amazing gift and miracle!
Now that we know our son's name, his face, his laugh, and his little personality, this journey has changed in so many ways. The lows are so much lower, and the highs are so much higher. We wait with baited breath for that moment, the moment when we are told we can go back to Russia and bring him home, where he belongs. Every moment could be "THE moment". Having a child on the other side of the world who is not allowed to come home is a heartwrenching thing. And yet, we are full of joy, our hearts overflowing with love for the little miracle who is our son. This gift of love is what will carry us through until he can come home to his forever family.
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