A Heart That Breaks Over and Over Again

2 years and 9 months ago, I experienced God's presence and peace in a way I never had before.  A long and difficult journey that sometimes seemed as dark as night was ending.... ending in a radiant joy that could only come in knowing D and I were right where God had led us to be... and that He was right there with us.

2 years and 9 month ago, at that exact same moment, my heart was shattered into a million tiny little pieces as I walked into a Siberian orphanage for the first time. I never knew my heart could be so full of joy and be breaking all at once.  We were finally there to meet our son!  But my heart and mind were screaming at me, telling me something was very wrong.

There was no sound.

"Where do they keep all the babies?", I thought.

"Surely they must be in another building."

But just as quickly as I had the thought, my son was led into the room.

Silent. 
Still. 
His beautiful little face expressionless.
Head down. 
Eyes on the floor.

No one reassured him.  No one held him

There he stood... all alone.

I became angry.

Why weren't they telling him what was going on?  Why wasn't anyone holding him?

I was afraid to touch him.  Never in all my life have I just waltzed into a room to immediately scoop up a toddler who doesn't even know me... not without another grown-up helping with the transition. 
I waited another moment, but nothing happened.
Finally, I could not wait one more second to hold him.  To comfort him.  To tell him that his Mama had finally found him!

He didn't even react as I walked toward him and picked him up.
His little body remained stiff and did not mold to mine.
He did not cling to me the way other babies do.
I had to take his little legs and wrap them around me.
He backed away from me as much as he could and froze in that position.

In that moment, I began to grip the reality of what living in an orphanage from birth does to a child.

A few months later, we got to return to Russia to finally bring our son home.

The orphanage was the same.

So quiet.  So hard to believe that baby house was home to 180 babies.  Their little spirits had been turned off.  Frozen because there were just not enough caregivers to repond to all of those infant cries.

For 2 years and 9 months, I have lived with the memory of all of those precious babies.  So many of their little faces are forever etched in my heart and mind.

My son has love now.  We have spent 2 years and 4 months praying and working to thaw his little frozen heart.  And God has been faithful.  Oh so very faithful.

Our son has found his voice. 
He begs to be held now. 
He loves to cuddle with his Mommy and Daddy now.
He looks right into our eyes now.
He knows he has worth.
His soul is alive!

But what about all of those other babies?
Not just in that one orphanage, but what about ALL of the precious children all over the world who have no one to call their own?  No one to call Mommy and Daddy.  No one to tell them they are fearfully and wonderfully made by a loving God.

God breaks my heart every day over their precious souls.  I have cried rivers of tears for them almost every day for 2 years and 9 months now. 

I used to beg God to heal my broken heart.  I was tired of being so sad all the time.
Now I thank God for breaking my heart every day.  It finally makes sense.

He breaks my heart so I never can forget.

Please take the time to listen to the following message.

  http://www.covlife.org/resources/3728831-Christ_in_an%20_OrphanMaking_Culture

Wrapp'in Up

Time to tell what has been going on in this crazy life of ours for the past few weeks.  Gosh, I really have slacked on the blog front :0(   I feel like I have been on a wild amusement park ride... whirling around so quickly, I am laughing and crying all at the same time from the pure thrill of it all.  The ride is slowing down enough now that the things around me are starting to come into focus... kinda.
Wow!  What a ride!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Clearly Caleb felt the strain of the past few weeks.  For about 5 weeks, he went back to asking for his bottle every morning.  And every time, just as he had settled into my arms, he would look up and ask, "Mama, are the big kids going to school TODAY?"  Every day, the answer was the same.  "No baby, not today", I would reply, "it will be a while still."   Caleb would frown and whimper in response and say, "Awwwwww man!  I was hoping it would be today... I want it to be just me and you!"

What a sweet little man!  How awesome is it that he knew what he needed and he asked for it.  And guess what?  Since the day the kids started back to school, I have not heard one word about the bottle.  Hmmm... we'll see what happens when he starts preschool next week and hockey a few weeks after that.

So here is what we have been up to since I last posted (warning: this is not a comprehensive list):
baseball, gymnastics, hockey (for Andrew), 2-day trip to St. Louis, Children's Museum, 6 birthday parties in three weeks, sibling fighting, visited 3 water parks, Grandma and Grandpa came to visit, Ashley and Riley's 8th birthday, Ashley and Riley's birthday slumber party (8 little girls don't sleep much, but D and i survived!!!!), friends baptized, babies born, playdates, lots of random swimming at our house (usually including at least 2 or 3 neighborhood children), even more end-of-summer sibling fighting, several random sleep-overs, playing at the park (an attempt at squelching sibling fighting), visits to the library (trying to keep their brains alive until their return to school), Dr. visits, getting ready for school, first week back to school, lots of end-of-summer injuries, one nasty infected spider bite (Caleb), D and I went on a DATE (!!!!), summer colds, several family movie nights and finishing the basement (finally)!  Whew!  And somehow D and I still went to work and got some occasional sleep in the midst of all of that.

One thing I haven't done at all in the past few weeks:
post on our blog.  And I haven't done much cleaning.

Stay tuned for pictures!